Here’s a select set of clippings from different “news” articles I read today. Sometimes I have a sadness for the human race. Usually, though, it’s just worth laughing at.

• Drunk Man Gets Trapped in Ex’s Chimney: Firefighters requested assistance from police after arriving because they said Connie Deweese was hampering the rescue effort by blocking the fireplace.
• Man Bitten After Putting Snake in Mouth: Snake collector Matt Wilkinson…to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth. He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.
• Man Calls Feds About His Lost Cocaine: According to the complaint, he told …he had stashed two blue backpacks containing 68 pounds of cocaine. [Leroy] Carr asked if ICE [Immigration and Customs Enforcement] could put out a news release saying that federal agents had seized the drugs. That way the organization he was working for would believe his statements that he hadn’t stolen them.
• Bored Naked Man Tries to Rob Pa. Store: Authorities said a man wearing nothing but a hat tried to rob a convenience store.